My greatest challenge yet

Melencolia I by Albrecht Dürer.

So I haven't posted in a while and I wish I could say that's because I've been very busy but it's not. I have still been going to CrossFit. I have done one session since the last one I reviewed, and it was horrible. Sprint 400m and then 15 reps overhead squats for five rounds. I hated every second of it and only managed four rounds in 18 minutes before having to quit. But I guess this is how it goes and there's no way I'm quitting. I'm trying to motivate myself in any way possible but it just seems that I can't motivate my self to run. My couch to 5k programme is shot, and my diet is horrendous. I have been blaming it on the festive season to my friends and girlfriend but I think the truth of the matter is, I'm just depressed.

I get these waves of depression that just knock me sideways every 9-18 months, sometimes worse than others. And I don't mean just being unhappy and having a rough time, I'm talking proper 'don't get out of bed all day, shut yourself off from the world, think about death all day' depression. For weeks on end.

I am not writing this post to say that I've quit. Just that I've hit a wall that proves even more insurmountable than when I hit a wall in exercise. Nothing can get me over that wall but time.

I still have CrossFit once a week (I'm booked into it and something tells me those guys will not allow me to just not turn up), and I'm going to try and run this week. If I can't run then I'm going to learn how to stand on my head.

One or the other. Maybe both.

In this round of depression I'm just going to keep my goals very low and then not become discouraged. We'll see how this goes guys.

Fight or flight?

First let me say that I'm on my mobile phone so if there any oddly placed words (due to the auto detect) then please forgive me. And also thanks to those who have read these posts and to those who have given me some encouraging words.

Okay, now onto my first full CrossFit session. As I have previously mentioned I suffer a mild social anxiety, including some pretty serious body image issues, so you can imagine I was in quite a state by the time I was nearing the door to 'the box' (this is the name that CrossFit Avon give their gym). The usual sweaty palms and racing heart, craving of nicotine, alcohol and any other goddam substance that would make this go away. I was nearing full on 'fight or flight' mode and it was getting worse, I know all too well that worse means 'panic attack' and a panic attack in the middle of your first gym session would mean that there won't be a follow up session.

I decided that I had to do something about it, and right on cue the trainer, who was just rounding up the last session, came up and said these simple words "Good to see you again, how are you?". He remembered me from the intro session. So I suddenly remembered a little piece of advice which was given to me by a great therapist I had when I was receiving CBT, and she would always say that no one will be angry or mock me if I tell the truth, and so I simply told the trainer that I was nervous and instead of laughing in my face, destroying my self confidence, and kicking me out on my arse (which is CLEARLY the normal reaction) he reassured me and made me feel really welcome. He also paired me with a really friendly guy who was well experienced and acted as a good mentor for the session.

So down to the session. We started out with some stretches and skipping to warm up and then jumped into the Workout Of the Day (WOD) which consisted of thrusts and cleans (with the barbell) and then skipping. We had three minutes with each exercise to get in as many reps as possible (AMRAP) with two minutes rest between each round. And my final scores weren't all that bad really. So to finish off we got into pairs and had to complete 60 burpees (who in their right mind would think torture could feel so fulfilling?).

All in all it was painless (apart from all the pain I'm in now), and all of the anxiety was for nothing in the end.

So on a final note, if you suffer like I do or worse, I feel for you and I know that if you just muster all of the confidence you can to jump into an exercise class that suits and appeals to you then you'll see that it's worth going through the fear and panic. Go with 'fight' because 'flight' has had the limelight for way too long.